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Skipping past Writober and Nanoblomo . . ? Shit, I dunno. I'm as bored as you are.

 

Monday, February 05, 2007

Bracket of Commerce!

It turns out that you can rate the Super Bowl commercials and watch the ones you’re not familiar with. You can run them through a bracket to narrow them to a favorite, or just pick one that you KNOW you liked them best. After you “vote” for your favorite, you get to see which ones have been voted the highest. It’s like a sneak-peak into how stupid we are . . . and why advertising works.

shaken and poured by Scott-san on 02/05 at 02:29 PM
The Media (1) Comments closedPermalink

Coronation Time!

DISCLAIMER: I sat down to “liveblog” the Super Bowl like a girl (mostly for the ads). But to me and my thumb drive, “liveblogging” is typing a bunch of crap in real time and then posting it the next day. And not totally because we don’t have wireless working yet. Anyway, pretend I wrote and posted this in real time. Also, pretend it’s interesting. I’m gonna do some follow up to see what the “experts” think are the funniest ads. Because I’m sure they’re wrong. Stupid “experts."

We, quite literally, just got back to the house after driving from Atlanta and swinging by the grocery store in a crush of pre-Super Bowl shoppers.

Look, this isn’t going to be about the game or football, really. I suspect it’ll be more about media and the commercials. There’s only two real reasons to pay attention to the game: to see Peyton Manning fulfill his destiny with a Super Bowl win . . . or fulfill his destiny as being the Greatest Quarterback to Never Win Anything. Being a jaded, contrary asshole, I’m much more interested in the latter, but I’m not rooting for the Bears, or predicting a Chicago win (Grossman ain’t a quarterback of destiny).

FYI: The game won’t be that interesting, but I’m confident that it’ll be interesting longer than this “liveblog” will be.

So, it’s pregame time, just after 6 o’clock and I’m in my pajamas, eating grocery store sushi with Mexican beer. Good thing we weren’t having people over because the guy across the street is having a Super Bowl party (apparently) and there are cars all over the place. And parking already sucks on our street.

Anyway, who gives a shit, the commercials have started and . . . I guess they’re waiting until Kickoff. I’m predicting an ass-ton of Ford. Hopefully a masterful Geico commercial with the cavemen and not that motherfucking gecko. Maybe some good movie previews. Oh, God . . . lots of Survivor. Goddamn CBS shows.

They’re introducing the teams, now, so it’s time to focus on my sushi and Negra Modelo. Oooo, coming up . . . our National Anthem. After the obligatory commericials. (None of them new or interesting. Oh, wait. NFL channel with David Beckham. Ha! “ . . . football player in Los Angeles.”

Billy Joel started a little shaky. Awesome. Oh, wait, STILL shaky. Man, our men and women in uniform must feel so honored. Jesus. Couldn’t they get Chris Daughtry? Coming up next . . . the COIN TOSS! They’re phasing in the new commercials, and the latest Jessica Simpson / Pizza Hut collaboration blows.

Man, that coin toss was impressive.

Jesus FUCK with the lameass Ford commercials. Where’s Toyota when you need them? PLEASE don’t let this be what passes for “innovative.”

Finally, we’re done with the “Built-Ford-Tough Kickoff Show.” On to the actual Kickoff. Which the Devin Hester just ran back for a touchdown. Hey, it’s just like the College National Championship Game! Okay, now the Colts are spotting the Bears a touchdown. Starting on their own 30 and ALMOST giving up a first-down interception. A few penalties and near picks later, and the Bears come up with the first turnover.

The first Bud Light commercial (“I threw paper.” “I threw a rock.”) was okay. Doritos, eh. Blockbuster, eh. Katie Couric?

(12:17, Q1) The Bears’ offense makes its first appearance. About as inspiring as the Colts’. So, yeah, progress for Grossman and Co.

Salesgenie.com won some kind of advertising contest, didn’t they? Sierra Mist . . . eh. Man, what’s up? (Not my optimism about the future of creative marketing.)

(9:56, Q1) The Colts made the first first down of the game. Hey, fun fact: Peyton Manning has never missed a day of practice during his career. Ooooo, how did the Bears leave someone WIDE OPEN? Touchdown Colts. And then missed the extra point. (Bears lead, 7-6)

The next Bud Light commercial (auctioneer-minister) was a step up. Fed Ex premiers with some shuttle/outer space thing (guy gets hit by a comet or something . . . whatever).

(6:43, Q1) The Bears fumble (and lose) the ensuing kickoff. Man, these teams have some MAD football skills; I can see why they’re playing for the World Championship. As if to totally PROVE my assertion, the Colts fumble the ball right BACK to the Bears. Okay, I’m really over this game. Whichever team can HOLD ON TO the motherfucking ball will win. Is my prediction.

(5:45, Q1) The Bears just had their longest running play of the season to get the ball inside the 10 yard line. Three plays and touchdown. (Bears lead, 14-6)

Dude, that Snickers commercial was gay . . . and lame. Still, some church group will be all up in arms over the male liplock. After a very BRIEF visit to the game, we’re back to commercials with some minute-long, singing-filled shitpile from Chevrolet. Touching how they got Letterman and Oprah together, in the next segment. (Oh, that’s right . . . Indiana and Chicago ties, respectively.)

(3:??, Q1) Game is still going. I think the Colts just punted back to Chicago.

(2:34, Q1) The Bears just fumbled BACK to the Colts. (WTF?)

I gotta say, I’m always slightly embarrassed when the game announcers have to promote shows on whatever crappy network the game’s being played on. “Rules of Engagement?” Oh, look, the stars of the show are, COINCIDENTALLY, in the stands. Together. “If the show was a hit, they’d be in a suite.” THEN THE CAMERAS WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FIND THEM, Phil. Jesus.

End of the first quarter. Finally.

This Coca-Cola play on Grand Theft Auto is my favorite commercial so far.

(12:17, Q2) The Colts were on the move. After third down, they’re going for a field goal. Got it. (Bears lead, 14-9)

The Garmin / Godzilla takeoff trumps Coca-Cola. Hope you were watching, because you’ll never see it again.

Peyton’s reportedly complaining about play selection, as the Bears are working wonders with lackluster play-calling. Sports commentators now (and forever) will talk about the woes of the Dome Team having to play in the rain. (Maybe ALL Super Bowls should be played in a dome until Peyton retires!) And it’s Black History Month, so we’re highlighting how a black coach is guaranteed to win the Super Bowl. Oh, wait, I’m being race-insensitive again.

Funny Doritos commercial (THEY won a contest). Careerbuilder.com. And more crap from Chevrolet. Where the FUCK is Geico?

(9:00, Q2) The Colts have put together a couple of positive plays in a row. And it’s raining hard. Y’know what’s NOT hard? Me. (This game isn’t doin’ it for me. Good thing I’ve got, like, many beers at my disposal.) I think the Colts might score, though. Oh, they do. (Still not hard.) “This is not a finesse offense,” says Phil Simms. Yeah, might have something to do with the DRIVING RAIN.

What are the chances Prince will come out at halftime and play “My Sugar Walls” with guest vocals by Sheena Easton? Or a medley of songs from The Black Album?

(6:03, Q2) Man, it’s raining hard. (Colts lead, 16-14)

That GM/sad robot commercial was mildly funny. See, Chevy? What happened to Ford? (I guess there was some previously arranged splitting up of game time for exclusive rights.)

I forgot with all the shitty CBS inside promotion that “How I Met Your Mother” is on CBS. Ooops, and “The Amazing Race All-Stars.” (Hopefully, CW will, again, be doing some liveblogging. That you’ll actually ENJOY reading.)

(1:35, Q2) The Colts turn it over on a fumble. And the Bears turn it over on the next play. Dude, every Super Bowl should be played in a driving rain.

I’m amazed I haven’t seen any repeated commercials yet. A lot of lame, UNINSPIRED commercials, but never the same one twice.)

As time expires on the first half, Adam Viniatari misses a field goal wide left. (Colts still lead, 16-14) “We’ll be back with the Super Bowl 41 halftime show.” CBS is America’s most-watched network? Really? Well, at least it’s not ABC.

Okay, I was sorting laundry until the Halftime Show started. And Prince has opened with a song recorded before the LAST time the Bears were in the Super Bowl. Sounds like he’s having guitar issues . . . well, except for on the solos. Is he grounded? Because he’s playing out in the open in the rain. Wow, even further back in time with “Proud Mary”. . . and that’s the infamous FAMU Marching 100 playing backup. “All Along the Watchtower?” Foo Fighters? Man, he’s ripping up OTHER PEOPLE’S songs. I guess we’re not getting a full version of “Purple Rain,” but that’d be awesome. Oh, WAIT. This is cool. Sadly, we’ll only get a verse and chorus . . . right? (Hope not. This is way better than the game by the way.) Okay, so a verse, chorus, and guitar solo. And the FAMU marching band.

Have we even SEEN a Pepsi commercial? (Sierra Mist, I guess?)

Okay, so I went to finish some laundry as the second half started. Came back to the Colts still having the ball. Have they REALLY run six minutes off the clock? How long did it TAKE me to do the laundry?

(7:26, Q3) Viniatari gets one, still in the driving rain. (Colts lead, 19-14)

Is Revlon making fun of gay stylists? A little? I’m really happy that, even though the commercials are earth-shatteringly funny, Coca-Cola and Budweiser seem to be rolling out a LOT of new stuff in budget advertising time. (And informal count has Bud with six commercials since 6 o’clock and Coke with four.)

(Deep in the third quarter) The Bears are pissing the game away.

Taco Bell busts out the lions and overplaying Spanish pronunciation. And CareerBuilder.com continues their entertaining Lord of the Flies-esque campaign. I bet the Bears wish they could be seeing these ads. (4:35, Q3) The Colts are driving. Get out that Golden Crown, NFL.

(3:16, Q3) The Bears manage to hold the Colts to a field goal. Penalty? No automatic first down so declined. (Colts lead, 22-14)

Federline is really funny until Bud Light busts out the axe-as-bottle-opener spot. He wasn’t even the funniest in the same commercial break.

(1:14, Q3) The Bears get a field goal. (Colts lead, 22-17)

Mark it! We’re seeing old commercials now. Which I think is remarkable, actually. Oooo, Budweiser and . . . crabs? (Funny stuff . . . Top Five, maybe. For now.)

(11:44, Q4) I really thought the Bears could claw (Ha!) their way back into the game, but then Grossman throws an interception that’s run back for a touchdown. Maybe. (Bears challenge the call. To no avail. Colts lead, 29-17)

(9:15-ish, Q4) Grossman. Another interception. Bears fans collectively wonder when this is going to be over.

CareerBuilder.com is getting more funny with each entry. (I think that was the third.)

(5:55, Q4) Are the Bears on the move? My guess is no. Not for much longer. They’re forced to go for it on fourth down (5:16 left). Colts injury slows things down. Here we go. Oh, oh, oh . . . incomplete. There are still lots of ways the Bears could win . . . none of them realistic. (HAHAHA, they’re already promo’ing the post-game show. And, for the love of God, don’t let Manning be the MVP. The Colts are winning this game on the ground.)

At the 2-minute warning, we’re going to get some kind of contest-winning commercial. I’m guessing it’s not this Honda commercial. GoDaddy.com? (Nope, saw that one earlier.) Snapple? (“It’s on the back of the bottle.” That must be it; Snapple WOULD have a commercial contest, wouldn’t they?)

The game is over now. I’m just watching to see who the MVP is. (I fast-forwarded* through three commercial breaks—stopping to watch the brilliant Comcast turtles—to find out that Peyton is the MVP. Jim Nance used the word “coronation” when presenting him the car keys to some red Cadillac parked on the field.

In summary, Budweiser had something for everyone (in the commercial-humor department, anyway), bird-shotting us with no less than nine spots. I think Emerald Nuts only had one, but it was pretty good, featuring Robert Gulet. CareerBuilder.com had an awesome concept that they spread across a few commercials. Coca-Cola’s Grand Theft Auto (in reverse) idea was masterful, which I appreciated because their other spots blew. But the only Garmin ad, featuring a map that unfolds and transforms itself into a giant Godzilla-like beast. I dunno . . . doesn’t sound very funny in retrospect, but it struck me as oddly hilarious and out-of-left-field at the time. And “at the time” was a couple hours ago, right?

* Liveblogging? C’mon, I was at LEAST 10 minutes behind for the entire game. There was lots of pausing so as to not miss any commercials. And zoomed through boring parts of the game to try and “catch up” with real time.

shaken and poured by Scott-san on 02/05 at 09:45 AM
(3) Comments closedPermalink

Listening

There's no "I" in threesome.

Viewing

I can't remember whether I've seen anything new since my birthday. Oh, right, that one.

Reading

I was hoping for a little more detail in the accounts of mauling-by-zombie. But the anecdotes were disturbing, nonetheless..

Drinking

I don't have a solid grasp on which exact cheap beers I had at the ATL watering holes.