No, Really, This is the Last One.
Three Best Things from World Cup ‘06
- That second goal Brazil scored against Ghana in the second round. Where the guy (not that fucker Ronaldo) received the ball right in front of the goalie and sort of passed it to himself around the goalie’s head.
- That time the player from Trinidad & Tobago was kicked in the balls, and he was lying on the field, reaching into his shorts and rubbing himself . . . for all the world to see. As a teammate was helping him off the field, he was holding open his shorts and spraying cold water on his battered bits. (I’m guessing. He may have had some thirsty rodents in there.)
- That my friend telecommuted for the entire World Cup and was able to watch all 64 games live (with a few exceptions). I watched several games on his giant HDTV (when I should’ve been at work). There’s a funny story where he was on a conference call during the U.S. / Ghana match and he’d told the meeting participants that he’d just come out of another meeting as if he was in the office. Just then, the U.S. scored their only “real” goal of the World Cup and someone in the living room screamed, “IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!” Really, that story only gets better . . . each time I relive it.
Three Five Worst Things from World Cup ‘06
- You know the worst thing has to be the flopping. A soccer-hater in my office forwarded around this crude, line-drawing animation he’d found where one player is doing the alternating step-overs then the other guy kicks the ball away and the first player flops on the ground. About sums it up, right? Maybe the U.S. team would do better if they could master the art of recklessly dribbling the ball into the penalty box and then falling down whenever someone brushes against them, or stumbling over a player who’s been lying prone in their path for several seconds. Because, y’know, I’ve seen players manage to stay upright with another player leaping onto their backs, and jumping over the outstretched legs of opposing players at a full run. Does being near the penalty box suddenly make them “special?” Seriously, the most fascinating thing about the Zidane head-butting incident was that it was the first time I’d seen an Italian player legitimately fall down during the entire tournament.
- On the subject of flopping, how about Marcelo Balboa? At first, I was, all, “Eh, whatever, let’s just watch the game.” But with all of his talk about, “He really sold that” in reference to the flopping, and his general support for taking a dive to gain a cheap scoring opportunity, I started to wince every time he opened this mouth. Jackass.
- Losing $10.
- It’s gonna be really hard for me to get enthusiastic about college football this year. You ask, “Why? How could that be?” And I say, “Because you didn’t graduate from Florida State University, and your alma mater’s coaching staff isn’t going to squander some of the nation’s greatest college football talent. Again.” Or, something like that.
- The U.S. team underperformed. So, in keeping with recent World Cups, maybe in 2010 we’ll light it up. Hey, and Bruce Arena can finally use that substitution he didn’t use in the Italy game. Y’know, like, isn’t there some kind of “Sorry-We-Didn’t-Play-to-Win” raincheck/coupon for World Cup substitutes? “Here you go, Eddie Johnson. Here’s your big chance to shine. Make your country proud.”
I said something about the flopping and a friend, who doesn’t even like the sport mind you, reminded me that it happens in other sports too. Like? I challenged. “Basketball,” he said. I thought about it and had to admit that, yeah, there’s some pretty awful flopping in basketball too. “But not in football,” I countered. He’d lost interest by then and merely grunted. I don’t think I won that round.
Posted by on 07/11 at 01:03 PM1) Mr. Balboa: you may have the Love Brush or the hair down, but not both. Shave or ponytail. You pick. Every time my kids saw you I had to explain that this wasn’t the circus and you weren’t the Bearded Lady.
2) The flopping was highlarious. If you forget about the game and just think about it like a bunch of guys running around who can’t seem to stop falling. Really. Once again, the kid test applies: Why do they fall down all the time, Daddy?
3) I still think that Argentina goal against Mexico was one of the cooler things I’ve seen.
I’m just saying.
Posted by Chris on 07/13 at 05:03 PM
Speaking of . . . maybe our next president will realize there’s an international soccer tournament happening and his nation’s team is, in fact, part of it. I’m sure W’d be all over it had it been some fucking cow-chip toss.
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