The Beach Would’ve Owned “Something About Mary”

Y’know how, hypothetically, all your friends are hot for Cameron Diaz and want to have dirty sex with Cameron Diaz, but when you look at Cameron Diaz, all you see is her little-boy ass and her face-like-Ms.-Pacman? Well, the beach is my Cameron Diaz. And vice versa.

Seriously, I don’t like the sun or heat, I don’t like having to spend 15 minutes lathering up with SPF 45, I don’t like salt water, and I don’t like . . . beach culture. That said, if I were open to enjoying the beach, this past weekend would’ve been the ideal time. A full moon, unseasonably cool and windy afternoons, surprise fireworks courtesy of a wedding in a nearby hotel, good food. Of course, not everything can be so rosy, which is why God invented bulleted lists. And the beach. Observe:

• On our way down to Cameron Diaz the beach, we started seeing signs and billboards about a PGA Tour event happening at the resort in which we were staying. Luckily, it was on the golf course furthest away from our building.
• So this was a work retreat/function. We’d brought Michelle’s in-laws with us because they love the beach. The first night, we were hanging out and playing Scrabble. After I kicked the holy crap out of my mother-in-law while my father-in-law was reaching out and touching some woman he’d gone to high school with 40 years earlier, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find two of my coworkers, one of whom thought she was supposed to be in our room. She kept saying she needed a drink and asked me for some ice. I took her cup in and filled it with ice. While I was verifying that she was indeed mistaken about her room (which was actually six floors above ours), she started mixing herself a rum in coke right there on our doorstep. (I immediately thought of Estella.)
• In between tours of (Mia) duty on the beach, there was some outlet-shopping. Apparently, in Destin, outlet-shopping is only a win-win situation if you have vagina. Every store, Michelle’s, all, “Wow, cool, Vans for $10 a pair on clearance.” Oh, there were clearance Vans for men, too . . . really ugly ones. In mutant sizes. This pattern was evident in every store. Women get “Buy 1 Get 1 for Half Price!” and men get “Sandals on Sale for $60.”

Michelle has some pictures at her Flickr page of the weekend’s festivities. Reportedly, next year, we’ll be bringing other people with us. I’ll do my best to keep my job for another year.

1. When I read that I immediately had to get up and fix a rum and coke.

   And now I’m back.

   I love that I was able to psuedo- be there via the power of the almighty text. GOD SAVE THE TXT!

   P.S. I’m going next year.

   Posted by estella  on  05/16  at  09:53 PM

2. See, the same way you do about outlet shopping in Destin, I feel about outlet shopping in NY and NJ except the opposite.  I’m convinced there’s more stuff for guys than girls.  When I go with the Boy, he always ends up buying 50 shirts and pairs of good shoes and nice ties, and I find nothin’.

   Posted by teahouseblossom  on  05/17  at  12:32 AM

3. ms. pac man face is **SO** accurate!!

   Posted by erinire  on  05/18  at  11:51 AM
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